dear colleague
March 15, 2018, 10:32 AM
I think you’re right about Penelope. She’s completely full of it. Yesterday I overheard her tell a student that she moved here from Utah, and that, get this, she was in a polygamist marriage there. Didn’t she say the other day that she was engaged to someone? And why would you tell a student that, even if it were true?!
March 17, 2018, 9:15 AM
I’m going to ask her about the Utah thing. I don’t know how yet. I could hang around the lounge while she’s in there and rattle off something like, “Alice and I are planning on going out to the Great Lakes this summer. Have y’all been out there?” You know she’ll pipe up and say something.
I’ll keep notes on what she says and get back to you.
P.S. Good call on switching to personal email. Would it be too on the nose for this English teacher to say, “Big Brother is watching you?”
Ugh, that was cheesy.
March 18, 2018, 1:46 PM
I chickened out. I felt like she’d know what was up. I’m debating asking a student to help me. Would that be weird? I’m going to check the rosters online to see if we have any shared students in common. Students I trust of course.
March 18, 2018, 2:08 PM
Indeed. Student-faculty espionage is probably not in the handbook. It’s just, like this morning for Christ’s sakes, she said that she was the one who got Walmart to start on the new park at Squirrel Creek. Of course it all happened “with a little luck and a lot of God!” Bullllllllll shit. She said something about how her brother is connected at Walmart, how he was visiting for their mom’s birthday, Penelope took him fishing out there, he was disgusted, blah blah blah, now they’re cleaning it up and putting in a park.
March 18, 2018, 2:15 PM
Haha! Yeah or maybe the fish her brother caught had glowing eyes. I hate that lake. But she’d never go that far. It’d be too obvious, and people would catch on. From what I can tell, we’re the only ones who see through her.
March 18, 2018, 2:16 PM
Jeez, I’m going to have to give this up for lent or something. Did that already start? She’s occupying way too much of my limited headspace. Alice has noticed too. She said that if it wasn’t clear how much I hate Penelope, she’d think I was trying to chat you up, like I’m gonna leave her for a man. Uhhh, no thanks. Been there, done that (no offense!). She’s probably jealous because, she thinks you’re cute as a gumdrop.
March 19, 2018, 7:33 AM
She does think you’re cute, but don’t get any ideas!
I
Will
Cut
You
Hahahaha, jk jk
Disclaimer: I totally will not harm any coworker. No terroristic threatening or violence is meant by the words within this email
March 23, 2018, 11:50 AM
She’s Teacher of the Month?! Get out! What about Ms. Sandoval? She deserves it so much more!
Penelope probably made sure that the one week she had to stay late that the admin would see her. She’s been leaving copies of all of her new activities on the copier here lately too. Never mind that they’re all basically a deconstructed worksheet. I mean, shit, she left every day last semester five minutes after the students were dismissed.
Whatever. Teacher of the Month is…meh…
March 25, 2018, 7:48 AM
You’ll get it eventually. Even Mr. Moles got it once. MR. MOLES.
I’ve had the distinct honor of being Teacher of the Month twice. Once I deserved it, and the other time it was technically a bribe I think.
March 25, 2018, 10:20 AM
Oh, I did a project where the kids collected stories from the community (parents, grandparents, cousins, pastors, neighbors, etc.), and we put them all together and had it independently printed. The project was rewarding and great for their writing skills, but it was soooo much work. To be twenty five again!
March 25, 2018, 10:41 AM
Well, I’ll be 30 in February. Dear god!
The other time was, eh long story short, because I’d found a carton of cigarettes and an ash tray in Mr. Lee’s desk. They had put me into his old classroom when he became assistant principal. I told him about what I had found. I mostly just wanted a different desk. That one smelled like a cat had pissed on ashes. He couldn’t pay me off, but thirty dollars worth of Sonic, a different desk, and the prestige of being Teacher of the Month was I guess meant to buy my silence. He was much more worked up about it than I was. However, it did give me a good excuse to come out of the closet. Mr. Elliot was most supportive indeed. Ha! You might find it hard to believe, but things got a little crazy around here when they found out there was a lesbian on staff. The leverage was good.
PS. Jesus do we still have a day before Spring Break? I’m losing my mind. Three (THREE!) kids in a row tumbled into my classroom last period, one right after the other. It was some Barnum and Bailey shit. I mean, am I so misguided to think that watching the new Poe documentary might contain these children for a day? I guess I should stop emailing and actually do my job. Still haven’t put in my grades, whoops! I’ll talk to you after the break!
April 10, 2018, 3:05 PM
Well, here we are again. Guess you heard about Penelope’s Spring Break trip? I wish a “little luck and a lot of God” would grant me a trip to Canada. Okay that’s all I’m going to say. I’m going to be a nicer person for the rest of this school year. Promise.
April 11, 2018, 11:53 AM
Check out this meme. I love this page. I laugh at literally everything they do.
April 11, 2018, 12:00 PM
Okay fine. Not “literally” :P
April 14, 2018, 10:06 AM
Ho. Lee. SHIT. She applied for Mr. Lee’s position. I can NOT work for her. When did she even get her admin degree?
Time to start job hunting!
April 14, 2018, 10:17 AM
I know it’s assistant principal, but Penelope is crazy. She’ll make Mr. Lee seem like a real Harry Wong. I didn’t say this the other day, but you know her trip to Canada? Yeah, when she moved here she borrowed a hundred bucks from me to help cover some moving costs. She still hasn’t paid me back. I don’t want to make a big deal of it, but I’d sure like to go to Canada or even get away to Tulsa or something, but we’re pinching pennies over here!
April 14, 2018, 10:46 AM
No, you’re right, it’s probably not worth taking a pay cut to change districts, but let me be dramatic okay! It’s how I cope. I just don’t want to have to answer to her. It’s insulting!
April 14, 2018, 10:50 AM
On a more positive note, would you want to go with me to watch Alice’s show tonight? I know it’s short notice, but it’s really low-key, I promise. It’s at ULCC. Mostly college kids. I always have to go by myself when she gets a role, and it’d be fun to bring someone along. We can even all go get drinks afterwards. If you feel up to it of course.
April 14, 2018, 2:10 PM
Yes! Fantastic! The show starts at 7. You can wear jeans if you want. Let’s just meet here at the school then head over there together. Sound good?
April 18, 2018, 10:14 AM
We had a great time too! Sorry I haven’t gotten back to you. I’m finally a week ahead on my lesson plans. We def need to do it again soon. Maybe next time we’ll actually get to talk to Alice.
April 18, 2018, 12:31 PM
I know! She’s amazing! :)
April 25, 2018, 9:12 AM
Shit, shit, shit. I’ve just heard that there are only three candidates left and one of those is…her. I’m going to be honest, I’m panicking now. All she cares about is her over-achievers. This school is screwed.
April 25, 2018, 9:58 AM
I'm serious! Averaged out, her regular biology classes watch a movie at least once a month. Meanwhile, she’s taken her AP kids all over the state and hooked them up with real scientists. I’ve had several struggling students ask if they can go hang out with someone in her room. They’ll be failing every class but Penelope’s and still they think she cares about them. So then I have to be the bad guy and tell them no because, heaven forbid, I want them to get an education and have some opportunities. Get ready for this place to become a giant daycare.
April 25, 2018, 10:47 AM
Do you know Tae? She works in the office 7th period. One of Mrs. Handelbach’s aides, really tall. I had her in class last year. She’s a really good kid. I’m going to see if she’s heard anything.
April 25, 2018 11:01 AM
No way, I’m not asking Mrs. Handelbach directly! She’s been perched up at that front desk since my grandma went to school here. I swear she tracks me when I walk through the office. Why don’t you ask her?
April 27, 2018, 3:10 PM
Wellll, since you chickened out, I went ahead and asked Tae ;)
April 27, 2018, 3:19 PM
Couldn’t wait to send this! Okay, so the good news is Tae was in on most of the interviews as a student representative. There’s someone in the mix from California who’s apparently a big deal. Worked in an inner-city school, publishing a book. Really blew the chalk dust out of them. His dad’s dying out here or something, so he’s relocating. Tae said that she thinks that some people are suspicious of him. Sort of a ‘too good too be true’ or maybe an overqualified kinda thing. Tae said they can’t get in touch with one of his previous schools and that’s the holdup.
Bad news is Penelope is the second choice. Tae wasn’t part of her interview, but she said that’s the word going around the office.
April 27, 2018, 5:30 PM
Yeah! Feeling pretty relieved, honestly. Let’s all go out sometime this week!
April 30, 2018, 8:32 AM
Thanks again for dinner last night! Alice and I are both so glad to have found someone who likes Indian food as much as we do. I do, however, have to disagree and insist that Alice would not be a dal if she were an Indian dish. You’re such a dweeb, haha!
No other news on Penelope. I stopped talking about it to Tae. The conversations were becoming uncomfortable. I could tell by her body language. And, I mean, she is still a student. I’ve started back at the gym to try and burn off some of the crazy.
May 1, 2018, 2:16 PM
So…
I talked to Mrs. Handelbach. GREAT news.
May 1, 2018, 2:23 PM
:) I can’t say. I’ve been sworn to secrecy by the high priestess of the coven herself
May 1, 2018, 2:27 PM
Fine! All I’m going to say is that there’s a good chance our new assistant principal will be from out of state. You know…the West Coast (!!!), but DON’T say anything. Mrs. Handelbach will literally kill me. Yes, literally.
May 1, 2018, 2:32 PM
I can’t believe she told me either! Mrs. Handelbach, I’ve discovered, dislikes Penelope as much as we do. She told me she’s been praying every night that “that chipper little hussy” doesn’t get the job. You know what this means? We have Mrs. Handelbach and God on our side, right?
May 2, 2018, 10:13 AM
I can’t get a hold of Alice. Just double checking, are y’all still going to see that Disney trash tomorrow night? I have to reschedule with my therapist.
May 2, 2018, 11:31 AM
Okay great! THANK YOU for going with her. I can’t stand those movies and Alice is always bitching about it. I’m going to enjoy a night of self-care instead. Lemons, lavender, Popeyes…
May 3, 2018, 8:12 AM
OMG. Penelope started talking to me in the hall, and it was SO awkward. She went on and on about how she had applied for the job and is all worked up waiting to hear back about it. It took everything not to slap her out of her delusions. She thinks she has a good chance because Mrs. Handelbach told her today that she’d be thrilled to work for her. Like, how is Penelope that unaware? Mrs. Handelbach is never thrilled about anything.
May 3, 2018, 8:45 AM
Yeah, haha! To have watched Mrs. Handelbach be so elementally sarcastic would have been the event of the year. Unless… you don’t think Mrs. Handelbach lied to me about it, do you?
May 3, 2018, 8:56 AM
You’re right. I forgot all about Mr. California.
May 4, 2018, 10:31 AM
Hey, sorta awkward but have you heard from Alice today? She hasn’t texted me yet and she stayed overnight helping on set. She’ll usually at least text good morning.
May 4, 2018, 11:27 AM
Okay, thanks.
May 5, 2018, 2:42 PM
Seriously, when are they going to make this damn decision???? Mrs. Handelbach and I keep exchanging eye-rolls when I come in.
May 5, 2018, 2:57 PM
I know. I still can’t believe she does’t hate me. I haven’t worn dress pants a full week since Spring Break.
Margaritas tonight!!!
May 6, 2018, 8:01 AM
ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!
Penelope got the job.
Like,
AGH
What the hell?!?!
Apparently, California got fired from his last job—and by that I mean ‘was unable to renew his contract’ because he got caught groping a junior.
FANTASTIC.
May 6, 2018, 10:51 AM
I don’t know. I’m going home at lunch. I’ll talk to you more tomorrow. I can’t shit out enough tequila today. ! GODF IIM PISdSED!!
May 9, 2018, 2:13 PM
Penelope this morning: *that nasally, high pitched, awful, awful, awful tone, “Can you believe I got the job?! I just want you to know that I’ve always respected your work and that this doesn’t change anything.” Does she expect me to think it does change anything?
May 9, 2018, 2:24 PM
I mean, I guess… I might have to disagree with you there. I don’t care if she becomes superintendent, I refuse to bend the knee.
May 9, 2:27 PM
Cool, bro.
May 10, 2018, 4:38 PM
Hey, sorry about the way I acted yesterday. I’m not doing well right now. Things have been weird and stressful at home. Alice makes me feel like a squatter lately. We never talk, and barely eat together. Then this Penelope thing. I don’t know if one is causing the other or if it’s just that everything makes me want to scream or cry right now. But yeah, you didn’t deserve that.
Sorry, chum.
May 16, 2018, 10:22 AM
ONE. MORE. WEEK!!!
May 16, 2018, 10:22 AM
I know! I’m doing better, thanks for asking. Alice and I are still working through some shit, but it’ll be fine. You don’t need to hear about all that.
Thanks again for being chill about everything these past few weeks, especially my little tantrums. I find myself even, dare I say it, optimistic about working with Penelope next year.
May 16, 2018, 12:35 AM
Yeah, she told us the same thing yesterday. We’ve never had our summer professional development catered!
May 16, 2018, 12:39 AM
Yeah, I actually think things are going to work out. Wow…I need to put that in a journal or something.
May 17, 2018, 8:07 AM
Ugh, I found out Tae is pregnant yesterday. I was moping around the house all afternoon because of it. Alice kept insisting that she’s a student, not my kid, but Tae had a lot going for her. Sometimes I wish Alice was a teacher too. I don’t know, she doesn’t understand the emotional investment and all of the nauseating ups and downs. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this stuff. I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe you can try to explain that to her next time y’all hang out. I think you see her more than I do these days.
May 17, 2018, 2:10 PM
Thaaaaaaaaanks, brother.
May 21, 2018, 3:15 PM
THREE MORE DAYS!
Jeez, I almost packed a wine cooler in my lunch this morning. Whoops! Got any big plans this summer?
May 21, 2018, 3:20 PM
That sounds fun! Well, don’t tell her, but Alice thinks next week we are going to Spinnant Springs. She absolutely hates it, and somehow it’s always where we end up. “Nothing but trees and hippie-mom art” she likes to say. So my plan is to drive that way and, at the last minute, miss the turn and keep going until we get to Austin. She has no idea! She’s been complaining all week.
May 21, 2018, 3:26 PM
I know! It’s waaay out of my comfort zone, but I need to get out. We need to get out. It’s been an onerous (oo! vocab word!) year.
May 22, 2018, 1:16 PM
Well, I am bringing my book tomorrow, turning out my lights, making a pallet, and reading all damn day. The kids are gone and, as far as any busybody with an agenda is concerned, so am I.
I hope you have a wonderful summer! Thank you for your friendship and especially your wise counsel these past few months. I’ll probably see you around sometime tomorrow, but I wanted to formally conclude this our epistolary bitching.
Enjoy Destin! #HAGS
May 23, 2018, 8:10 AM
Where the hell are you????!!
You better batten down the hatches because I’m going to find you. I can NOT believe this. Yeah, I found you and Alice’s texts. I'm sure she just hung your damn moon.
May 23, 2018, 3:06 PM
CC: penelope.martin@asd.org
Ms. Martin, I wanted to include you in this exchange. I believe it is best that you are aware of what some of your employees think of you. I also want to inform you that I have accepted a position teaching English online, and I will not be returning next year. Best of luck to you in your new position.
As for you, Judas, remember to check your breaks every day. You might have left early, but it’s going to be a long summer. HAHAHAHA